4 down, 1 to go

It's been a shitty week at chez IrishRed, but today I've made it all day without crying, so it's a win! (just don't ask me about my dissertation).

Interview invitations for my 4th school were posted today, again I am holding an unpunched dance card. I have one more I'm waiting to hear from, but not holding my breath.

In happier news, we have close friends coming into town and Im running another 1/2 marathon on Sunday. It's going to be freakin' cold at the start (high 30s?). Yeah, I don't really have gear for that. But capris + smartwool ski socks = running tights :) I haven't been able to run much in the past month as I've had to take time off to allow the tendonitis in my knees to go down. I'm anticipating this run to be much slower than the last one, but hopefully slower will also mean easier on the knees and allow me to avoid runner's stomach (feels like a hangover for hours after you run).

In the meantime, enjoy some videos illustrating the sheer, unparalleled, brilliance of Oona:

Those paper bags defeat her every time...

Job market retrospective, part I:

Well there's nothing like reading through your job market materials and realizing that really, they sucked. it's ok, this is familiar, it's the same thing that I went through with my grant materials. I suck at writing cover letters, proposals, etc. I know this, I recognize this, I try to seek multiple editors to help, but everyone's being too nice. For my dissertation comments - I want some nice to soften the blows. Tell me what's awful, but help me out by telling me what works and what I need to do to change. For job market stuff: tell me when it blows. Honestly. I already know it sucks, what I need is not a fluffer for my impotent letters (not even Cialis would help some of the crap I've written), but some honest discussion/help on how to re-do and improve. And then throw me a freakin' bone to help me make it blow less.

Things I already identified that blew about my job market cover letter(s):

-Research - too much description, too much detail. Too vague. Not clear enough in terms of importance and impact of project. My work just sounded boring - a specialist crying for attention. I really need to figure out what the fuck my work is all about and why it matters - b/c if I'm not sure, there's no way I can convince others.

Plus: I'm presenting too much like a grad student desperate for approval. This should read like an abstract, not an application.

-Research II: no publications, not enough presentations based on my own research. Working on that for next year.

-Research III: I have no "next project". No idea what it's going to be. I have articles to spin off from the diss, but not sure what I'm doing next. I need to fix that.

Teaching:
-too much telling, not enough showing

-need more concrete examples; need to think about why students think I'm a good teacher.

-need to talk about teaching in less syrupy ways.

-need to explain how I teach and show how I know it's effective. e.g. I worked with many students multiple times over their careers. every single one told me that my work with them on their writing improved their writing skills more than anyone else they had worked with, and they had the improved writing and grades in my subsequent sections to prove it. I need to find a way to put that in an sentence that doesn't sound totally lame.

-need to show how my in-class work with primary sources, and mini-research projects, leads to better research papers by demystifying the research and primary source analytical processes.

-Consistently students say the get a lot out of my discussions b/c I am really good at both challenging and encouraging them. Students say they like that I treat them like peers-in-training and find ways to guide and correct their work, while encouraging that 1) they can make improvements even if they seem daunting today, and 2) helping students realize that history is more than names, dates, and people. My enthusiasm and belief that "they can do it if they work harder/smarter", really inspires students. Opening up students' perceptions of "what is history" leads them to develop their own, better, research projects. Also useful in working with scientists/non-hum people.

-Although I laid out clearly the diversity of classes I've taught, I made no mention of classes I would teach at X institution. This means I presented myself as a student seeking approval for what I've done rather than presenting myself as a colleague with a plan for what I will do.

All in all, I need more focus, concrete statements, impact statement, evidence statements. I need to think about not just where I am (the inner pits of dissertation hell, exhausted, confused and lost), but where I'm going. I need not to be a grad student desperate for approval (even though I am), but present myself as a colleague who can step into the job on day 1 (which is how I feel, but not how I present myself).

I'm also thinking of asking Dr. Karen over at The Professor is In for help: http://theprofessorisin.com/

Again, for the millionth time, I'm astonished at how woefully unprofessionalized I feel in the ways that matter/can be demonstrated in a cover letter and CV. I've faced major hurdles (changing fields, changing advisors, being in a small program at an underfunded state U working with well-meaning senior faculty), and I'm realizing now how far behind I am from my colleagues at better funded programs who work with Big Names and are at Ivy Leagues. Some of this is because of the sheer amount of time I've spent chasing money, TAing, chasing students, when I should have been saying "fuck all" and worked mainly on research (although then I wouldn't have had the money to do the research...).

So I have a list of things to change for next year. I know fully well why I've been passed on for 2 interviews and will likely be passed on for the other 3 I applied for. It's a lot like looking back over my grant applications for the last 4 years. It's not because I suck. Personally I'm a great person, smart, cook well, knit well, run well, and people seem to like me. My cat loves me, but I suspect it's because I feed her... I've never interviewed for a job and not gotten it. I also suspect this is why I tend to get funding from smaller organizations that know me and know my work "in person", rather than just "on paper" - funding that has amounted to a substantial amount over my 7 years. The problem, as always, is what I look like "on paper". I'm still not sure how to fix that, but at least I've got some things to start with.

Looks like 2 to cross off my list

So far two of the schools I applied to (both start with "S" for those in the know) have sent out interview invitations, but none my way.

It's depressing. Expected, anticipated, and still depressing. I'm really feeling the weight of my school's rank and the lack of a big name advisor (my big name on my committee totally flaked and didn't send letters; yes the same one who left me with the freak out comments in September; yes, I got a last minute stand-in).

On the bright side, looks like i won't have to buy a ticket to the Chicago conference, I won't have to ask my husband to leave his job for my career, and maybe we can stop fighting about it. Wow, my life is awesome.

I have two more that I'm waiting to hear from, one of which just started reviewing applications today.Ok, technically I have 3 more, but one of those is such a long shot that I don't have a chance in hell. I guess I can at least look forward to getting the rejections out of the way and getting on with my diss (a whole other "ugh" for the time being).

My thanksgiving

With my adorable nephew Rhys, Medea (cat) and Nova (great Dane). I felt much loved.





Medea has also colonized the crib. Because why else would people get furniture than for the cat?

late November job market update

Ever wonder what the job market wait is like?

-checks email

-checks wiki

-stares at blank Scrivener screen and tries to convince self to write

-checks email

-checks H-net, Chronicle, Inside Higher Ed to make sure I didn't miss a posting

-starts searching for EE, AO, and optical jobs in cities where applied

-checks email

-checks wiki

-checkes email

-sees new message in inbox!

-it's my uni telling me to register for next term

-reloads email

-checks spam filter

-checks wiki

wash. rinse. repeat.

I'm distracted. It's in part made worse since I received notice that a colleague received an AHA interview for one of the jobs we both applied for - but according to the wiki she seems to be the only one who has heard. I realize search committees need to work job application sorting into their own busy schedules, but it would relieve a lot of pressure if they, like fellowship, would announce a review date and a notification date.

I'm also frustrated by my field's interview process at our big annual conference. I'm not going to pay the reg fee and the $$ for a trip to Chicago unless I get an interview, but the conference starts Jan 5 and the longer that committees wait to send interview notifications, the more expensive travel will be. 

As I've said with everything else I've applied for, even if I'm rejected right off the bat, I'd rather know as soon as possible so that I can get on with my life (and stop checking my email).

Brain Slugs are Awesome

This year we are spending Thanksgiving with L's middle brother, Erik, his wife, Lily, our new nephew(!) Rhys, and youngest brother, Mark. 
Like L and myself, Erik and Lily have an unholy love of Futurama. If I remember correctly, Amazon Women in Love was their first date. He proposed to her after they watched Bender's Big Score. They went as Fry and Leela for Halloween a few years ago. This Futurama thing? it's serious.
So when I had some left over lime green yarn I wasn't sure what to do with, and I stumbled on Hooks and Needles pattern for Brain Slugs, I knew it was meant to be.
I'm not as adept a crocheter as a knitter, but I certainly enjoy it. I used Cascade Pacific yarn (acrylic and merino blend, love it!) for the body, some left over Cascade 220 superwash for the eye (both black and white). I made some adjustments to the ruffle (you find me on Rav for the deets, I won't bore the other readers). And all in all, it came out stupendously: 

everyday I'm shufflin'

It even attacked my husband!

I'm sad to see this guy gifted, but at least I have enough yarn left over to make a mini-slug for ourselves. Oona better look out, I think I see brainslug victim as her Halloween costume for next year....
I'm waiting for these guys to throw their hat into the Republican primary. They're slightly on the fringe but at least you know where they stand. Brain slugs for the 99! 

Back in the Passenger's Seat

This fall I decided to take a class at my temple on "Basic Judaism". Now, I know a lot about Jewish cooking, Jewish American culture, and the Jewish Experience from a historical perspective. I could tell you all about the condition of Jewish Women in 15th century Hamburg, but damned if I could tell you much about the history of the Hebrews, classical Judaism, or the Torah. I like the rabbi who was signed up to be the instructor and figured it would be a good way for me to meet some folks and learn something in the process (by which I mean, "leave the house for something more than just a work out, change out of my PJs and interact with someone other than L).

In just two weeks I've learned a lot of content regarding the Reform Jewish approach to the Torah (which really can be summed up in Hillel's famous words "That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow, this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary"), and the history of the development of the written Torah and the Hebrew people prior to the common era.


But, even more important, I've learned what it is to be a student again in a class about a subject I don't know that much about. In two meetings, I've identified some of my biggest failings as an instructor and how to fix them! Something I never would have figured out if I just kept teaching and never again sat in a student's seat (being a grad student doesn't count, undergrad classes are fundamentally different from the competition/performances that grad seminars are). Here's a few examples:


1. Begin each class with a brief discussion about what the class is going to do in that particular meeting. Even write a short outline up on the board. Empower students by showing them where the class is headed and where they should be pushing their thinking 20-30 min into discussion. Otherwise you get a situation in which the instructor "knows all" and simply "reveals" the "important" parts to the student. The well-meaning instructor puts students on the spot, trying to get them to see the connections, but this just turns into a guessing game w/ the students trying to read the instructor's mind.


By giving students a brief outline as to where you think the class should generally go, you let them start to organize their thoughts early and hopefully contribute more thoughtfully to discussion. 


2. Throwing a bunch of sources at students, having them read aloud, and then interpret on the spot (in an attempt to do something "as a class") is ineffective. It just replicates #1, but with primary sources. If you want students to interpret something, give them guideposts of specific things to look for. It will channel the discuss and provide concrete things to discuss.


2a. If you do do in-class source reading, you need to provide some context as to how the sources relate to the discussion or to one another. When on-the-spot as in a class setting, this helps tremendously in getting deeper into material, faster.


3. Pause to allow discussion. Really pause. It takes much more time to think of what to say when you'e new with the material than instructors want to allow. Pause to allow questions.


4. When students do speak, don't cut them off, even if you do so simply b/c you are excited about what they are saying. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I don't like being silenced.


5. Those silly "introduce yourself to the class" games are essential. We didn't do it in my class and 2 weeks in I still don't know anyone as other than "the guy who talks a lot". Plus, name tags would be awesome.


6. Take your lesson plan and cut it in half. You're better off with less material that you can engage with deeply, than trying to cover "everything" but only getting 1/2 through anyway.


7. They are a pain in the ass, but designing well-formulated discussion questions (maybe 4 for a hour long meeting) are essential. I think this is easier for your own classes than for classes you TA b/c you are in charge of the material, but putting together good discussion questions and sticking to them in class can make a HUGE difference in how discussion progresses.


I have made all of these mistakes in my classes. Sometimes repeatedly. Now being in the student's position, I understand why people don't talk, what dynamics silence rather than encourage voices, and things that I can change as an instructor in order to help my own students succeed in discussion.

Introducing: School for Scandal

I'd like to introduce my readers to a funny, smart, and sexy blog written by an old college friend, the utterly divine Madame Bianca James. Warning, parental units who frequent these pages and readers who read at work: Bianca is a self-proclaimed "Genderfluid kinkster, 3.5th wave feminist, sex-positive slactivist!" This is a bawdy, brilliant blog that tackles topics like genderqueer, pro-sex feminism, politics, the queer community at large, sex toys, fetishes, gender play, and body acceptance.  This blog is probably best read at home, on a plush couch, with a brandy snifter in hand, wearing a smoking jacket. 


Without further adieu, come meet your Headmistress and prepare to matriculate in the School for Scandal.


Bianca also blogs for the Eden Cafe, and HuffPo Chicago. 

Animals Talking in ALL CAPS & Blog re-fresh

Your daily procrastination:
http://animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com/

It's sort of like LOLcats. But bigger. And louder. And often feminist. Go, spend 10 min reading and see if you can't help but smile.


And...

It's that time again: the time of year when I look at my blog and realize it's got a whole lot going on and not a lot of style. Yup, I'm bored and ready for a style overhaul. If you're a person with fairly eclectic tastes, such as myself, it's really difficult to try to visualize a look that defines, or at least, reflects, you. Modern or casual? Sleek and professional versus funky? Pretty and scenic versus sleek and minimalist? I couldn't even pick a favorite color if I tried. (actually I think it's a bright teal, but sometimes it's also red, and I do love me some green, blue is so soothing, and purple is really eye catching in the right light.... Once, when my sister was asked "what's your favorite color?" she replied "rainbow". I think I've turned into my sister....)

anyway, I may be trying out a couple of new layouts/templates. Considering i just look at the blogger dashboard and you, dear readers, actually look at the blog, let me know in the comments if you have any feedback.

Fall Pumpkin Bread

When Garett over at Vanilla Garlic posted a recipe for Maple Pumpkin Bread earlier in the month, I clipped it to my Evernote cookbook with a note saying, "Make when weather drops below 85". Well, it's below 85. In fact, we've had highs int he mid 60s for most of the week and Sunday was a proper rainy fall day. Which meant I wasn't going to die if I turned on the oven and heated up the house for a bit. I had a sugar pie pumpkin that needed cooking and this recipe that needed making.

As with most of my cooking, I used the recipe for a guideline and added my own tweaks. I know what flavors I like in cooking and most of the time and play around with spices recipes. I've only had one really bad experience in which I added too many cloves to gingerbread cookies and everyone's mouth went numb . Oops.

In general, when baking, and especially when baking quick breads, there are simple ways to make "up" the "health" quotient. You can replace up to 1/2 of the called for oil with equal parts pumpkin, banana, or apple sauce. I keep frozen bananas on hand for this very purpose. Banana  and applesauce more or less disappear as far as taste goes, although I think banana gives a better texture. Pumpkin to replace oil can add interesting depth to blueberry muffins or zucchini bread.

Similarly, you can easily replace 1/2 -2/3 of white flour with whole wheat or whole wheat pastry (my preference). The crumb will be a little more dense, but when you add extra fiber and protein,  I'm happy to make the exchange. WW pastry flour will produce a lighter softer crumb, very similar to all purpose.

As far as the spices, I really wing it. I love nutmeg and allspice - much more than cinnamon. AndI find clove and ginger give pumpkin breads a lightness. A bit of orange or lemon zest is also good.

The cranberries on the bottom is borrowed from a ginger cranberry cake recipe from the book Sweet. The flavor is fantastic - tart little bits of cranberry - and the color just scream "fall".

Using the recipe as a guideline, here are my tweaks:
-Roasted one sugar pie pumpkin at 350F for 90 min. Used roasted flesh instead of canned pumpkin

-1.5 c flour  to .5 c. all purpose and 1 c. whole wheat pastry flour

-.5 c oil to .25 c. oil and 1 mashed banana

pureed in my handy, dandy food processor

-added chopped crystalized ginger

-lined the bottom of my tin with cranberries

-added dashes of nutmeg, allspice, ginger, and clove (I was careful with the clove). Maybe 1/8 tsp each?

All prepped and ready to go in the oven!

Yum

 The final cake is absolutely wonderful and will be my go-to pumpkin cake/bread recipe. The crystalized ginger adds a little kick, and the cranberries burst with tartness.

In future, I'd reduce the amount of sugar by 1/4 c. With the maple syrup and banana, you don't need the full cup of sugar.

Happy Fall.

Fall

Spooky Grad School Treadmill of Doom

This is late for halloween, but was inspired by a conversation with a good friend. I was expressing my sheer exhaustion with where I am in my diss and my prospects on the job market. I'm exhausted trying to write my diss, get it in an acceptable form, and do all the stuff I need to do to be competitive on the market. Considering I'm probably facing several years on the market, this means several years of this: frustrating, exhaustion, rejection, getting floored by the rejection, and picking my self back up off the floor. Now, if I could guarantee that I'd have a job at the end of it, great. It's the cost of getting a job. Like my sister's current grueling intern year. But instead it feels like I'm going to keep doing this with little likelihood of ever getting let into the Elite Club Ivory Tower. Anyway, it inspired some photoshopping.

Behold! An object that will strike terror into the heart of grads, post docs, and adjuncts alike! Behold the Grad School Treadmill of Doom!

A perfect addition to all grad school haunted houses. Hop on and prepare for 6, 8 10 years of grueling pounding! Chase those dreams (grants, research, TT job) and find them always just out of reach! Run through a graveyard of cancelled job searches, cancelled grants due to the budget crisis, rejection letters, dissertation outlines, and chapter drafts! And at the end of all of it, you're right back where you began!

2011 Tempe Woman's Half Marathon

Yesterday I ran 13.1 miles. Receiving the official race results last night: I ran 13.1 miles in 1 hour 59 min and 58 sec. Boo-ya! Under 2 hours by 2 seconds! Here's how it went:

Saturday, Day Before 

The day before the race my mom and I went to the expo to get my stuff. The good: I snagged a pair of Cascadia 6s for 20% and a new sports skirt Lotta Breeze Capri for a discount.  My mom bought me a race gift of a really nice Brooks hoodie with the sleeves that turn into fingerless gloves and a thermal hood with a hole for my ponytail. The bad: going to any sort of expo with my mother is bad for my pocketbook :). The second bad: The sizing on the shirts was off. Way off. I ordered a medium (for a 34" chest according to the size chart. FYI I have closer to a 39" chest in the bust, but fit a 32-34 elsewhere (shoulders, etc). It has probably 6 inches of negative ease (extra fabric). You could fit two of me in there. So I'm going to have to do some taking in. I tried to exchange it (me and a bunch of other women in the same "too big" boat), but they told me no can do.

We went for a walk the night before the race and I finished with a light dinner of pasta and a salad. 

I had a hard time sleeping, and before I knew it it was 5:30 am and time to get up.

The Race

I woke up at 5:30 and snagged a banana with almond butter and some licorice tea. My mom, kind heart that she is, got up with me and dropped me off at the start line. My stomach was nervous so I grabbed a last minute pit stop before lining up. (a shout out on the porta johns - the race had 75 porta johns lined up for over 3K runners. The lines weren't too long and moved fast. Good job.)

The start was cold. 43 degrees cold. That's cold no matter where you live but when you're used to running in the mid 80s, 43 is really cold. Fortunately I had checked the weather and decided to buy a pair of arm warmers at the expo. After trying a lot of $25 and $30 pairs (seriously? for sleeves?) I settled on a pair of asics $8 el cheapos. El cheapos for the win! Great wicking, didn't overheat, no chafing, and no ugly arm pinching.

The gun goes and of course, b/c I'm i the 3rd corral, it's a slow walk to the starting line. The course started through downtown scottsdale which meant snaking our way through city streets. As with most races, getting through the participants was a slow going pain. I've said it before an dI'll say it again: I love no problem with walkers. I'm a walker. But, if you plan on walking a race, it's just rude to force your way to the front and then walk 4 abreast, refusing to let faster walkers and runners pass. The first mile was like a frustrating, real life game of frogger: trying to get around women walking an 18 minute mile with giant water belts and backpacks.

The plan? Run 10 min, walk 1 min, walk water breaks, aim for a 10 min pace.

 Reality? yeah, not so much. My first mile I was running a comfortable 9:21 pace, even with the walker-frogger game I was stuck in. By the time my first walk break hit I was just getting into some open running space. So I kept going. Pretty soon I realized that I was going to be better taking my walk breaks at every 2 mile water stop.

The first 6 miles were beautiful. My average pace went from 9:21 to 9:12. I felt great, the air was cool, and I was happily flying along to the dance party in my head. The only interruption was the crappy race band playing the same damn Elvis song. Dude, I had Rhiana telling me to "shut up and drive". Elvis totally squelched my juju. I planned to take a gel at mile 4.5 or 45 min. W/ my pace, that meant I actually ended up taking my Hammer gel espresso around the 5.5 water break. Totally easy, no stomach problems. Yay!

Mile 7 we hit an incline. It slowed me but not too bad. I started to feel some stitches that could lead to cramping and decided to channel... I have no idea what. But I realized that if I slowly raise my arms out to the side and above my head (for dancers: basically a porte de bras from second to high fifth and back; for everyone else: I'm flapping my arms like a bizarre bird), it stopped the cramp. So I'm running up this incline, slowly flapping my arms and bopping around to the music. I see a number of woemn around me struggling and then i glance at the ground to see a shadow behind me doing exactly the same thing :)

By the time I hit mile 7-8 my average pace was 9:09. Yup, I'm running negative splits on my first half marathon. 7-8 goes great and I take 1/2 of my second gel at the start of mile 9. In the 9-10 mile I'm getting tired. But I kept channeling my friend KT's guide to Chi Running: Relax, fall forward, and run from bent ankles. As soon as I reminded my body into the posture running was effortless. I fully credit her input as the reason I can run as fast as I can.

Mile 10, I'm ready to be done but I'm still feeling great. Tired, but great. I'm flapping around a bit, but also avoiding all cramping. My calves are sore and tired, but what do I expect? I've just run 10 miles at one of my fastest paces.  

Half way through mile 10, I see the  2 hour pace team leader exit the porta john. The 2 hour pace team is not just w/in my sight, but w/in reach. I make it my goal to keep him in eyesight through the finish. Considering I thought I'd take 2 hours and 30 min to run the 1/2, revised to maybe 2 hours and 15 min during my training, this was an unthinkable goal a week ago.

Luke snapped this one of me .1 miles from the finish

By the time mile 12 rolls around I'm still flying and hit the mind-over-matter part of the race. I'm going to finish this thing and I'm going to finish fast. Rounding the corner to the finish line I see my mom and Luke cheering, smiling, and jumping up and down. I feel fast, happy, tired, and totally amazing. I pick it up just a bit and cross the finish.

We were given our finisher medals by uniformed air force service men. Here's my issue with this. Yes, they are well dressed young men (like the firemen at the end of the Nike Woman's 1/2 marathon), but this is a woman's empowerment race - how about a female air force service person? Aside from the problematic gender-stertyping assumption that all women like men in uniform, it seems a bit silly to 1) assume that all women also like men and 2) is patronizing to get a "good job girl" pat on the head from a dude. I'd have rather had a female servicewoman or a female marathon finisher welcome me to the finish line. Because I run for myself and to run with other athletes, not to get a gift from a dude.

Anyway... Post race I grabbed an orange and a banana and found Luke and my mom by the cookie cafe. Cookie Cafe: great idea for non runners, the last thing in the world you want after running a long distance. I got lots of hugs and a dry shirt.

Probably one of the most memorable kisses since our wedding :)

So excited... can't... stop... talking... long... enough... to... eat...

Me and mom.

Cookies, medal, and nice, dry shirt

Gear:

•  I wore my el cheap arm warmers (awesome), 
• my on-sale el cheapo RoadRunner tech T ( also awesome, need more...),
• my black Gym Girl Ultra skirt (a bday gift from mom),
•  my pink bday sunglasses (from Luke) a sweaty bands head band (new from expo, also reflective so I don't get hit by cars when running at night), 
• running socks... addidas I think, and 
• what I have now discovered are Brooks Cascadia 5s. I picked up the 5s at the RoadRunner sports outlet in San Diego. They are stiffer and not as comfortable as the 6s, but my old pair of 6s are tread-worn and my new pair hadn't been run in. Plus, even though not as light, they are still great shoes.
• Moving comfort Fiona sports bra
• Target up&up sunscreen spf 50
• Body Glide
• spf 30 Blistec 5 star protection chapstick ( a must in the low humidity)

Food:

• Pre-race: banana, 1/2 packed jelly belly sports beans, almond butter
• Water or gatorade during the race
• 1 hammer gel espresso at mile 5.5 (needed more post-gel water)
• .5 hammer gel espresso at mile 9 (needed more post-gel water)
• orange, banana, and nuun electrolyte drink post-run

Post-Run

I felt really good until about an hour or so after the run, then I started getting sore. Fortunately my mom's place has a really nice community hot tub and we headed over for a soak.

Then runner's stomach hit. I definitely pushed myself. I shaved 13 or so min off my training times, and my stomach paid the price. Not as bad as after some of the wharf to wharfs, but I had the hungover stomach/GI problems until about 2:30/3pm. In retrospect, I think that I didn't get enough water after taking the gels and I made the mistake of drinking 2 cups of gatorade instead of water after taking the gels. Too much sugar combined with really pushing myself. Oh well, it happens, and it was totally worth it.

Today my quads are sore and parts of my calves are stiff, but not too bad. I'm going to try to get in either a light jog or walk .

The next challenge: recover while still preparing for another 1/2 marathon on Dec 11th. The added challenge: figuring out how to run for a week in November when visiting my new nephew in MT in near freezing temps. Till then, I've got this:

finished my first 1/2 marathon in 2hours 8 seconds. A personal best in time and distance. It was fun, fast, and I'm going to be sore. Headed to the jacuzzi, full write up with pics tonight or tomorrow.



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Starting line!!!

7 am and ready to go!




-



Posted using BlogPress from my iPhonev

Location:N Fountain Dr,Scottsdale,United States

Today was a day off

After trying, and failing, to get myself to work for several hours, I took a good friend's advice and threw in the towel. Wanna know what I did instead of working?

1- made cookie dough. it's resting in the fridge. I have no eggs so I substituted 1 Tbl mayo, 2 Tbl water and 1/2 a mashed banana. We'll see how it turns out.

2- watched Torchwood on Netflix. I love this show. If you are into sci fi, I highly recommend the latest Torchwood and Dr. Who series. If you're new to the whole universe (and have time to kill), do yourself a favor and start with the Dr. Who 2005 (9th doctor) reboot and watch forward. Torchwood is in it's 4th season, all back episodes are on Netflix. Torchwood is a slightly more grown up, ensemble-based, show. Good fun and brilliantly acted. Eve Myles (Gwen) starts strong and only gets better. Jack Harkness, as the omnisexual, leader of the team, is simply to die for.

3- Made a playlist for my 1/2 marathon on Sunday. I'll be rockin' to my very on private pop dance party. Sheesh.

4 - knit. A lot. I'm working on a new sweater and I made it to the hem. Stem blocked it and realized I needed to rip and change the waist shaping. So I un-did about 1/2 the sweater and am now re-working. 

Doldrums of Fall

Every Fall I seem to hit a rough patch. I'm less excited, more easily discourage, and struck by a general malaise crossed with boredom. Usually this happens in late Aug/early Sept but this year I was so busy that I think I flew right by it. For some reason, however, the feelings of "ugh" have caught up with me.

Part of it is the bizarre rush-to-wait stress of the job market. What happens to us if I get an offer? What in hell do I do if I don't get an offer? (yes I have a plan, and although I try to be excited about it, right now it feels inordinately depressing). What am I doing with my life, and if i'm so tired of the academic chasing game (chasing money, chasing jobs, chasing people), am I willing to do it again next year?

Part of it was sparked by a really discouraging conversation with a committee member last week. There are  caveats to be placed on the comments (ze is on the academic-brilliant-but-wackadoo side of things, I've been through this with hir before, and it was painfully clear that the comments were on work that the reader didn't actually read...), but they also struck mighty close to home. Maybe inappropriate, but not necessarily inaccurate. My diss has issues. I've been wrestling with them for a while w/ little resolution. The comments, "you really need to restructure the whole thing" were hard to hear b/c they struck a chord. But the one that got me was: "there's no way you'll finish for a June graduation." From the person who is supposed to be writing me letters of recommendation for jobs starting next fall. Part of hir comments were based on hir time frame for reading and commenting, that included 2 months for first pass on the finished diss, a month for me to make recommended changes, and then 2 more months for 2nd pass on the draft, followed by at least another month of my making changes. On that schedule, which is fully unreasonable, I need to have a full, polished draft in hir hand by December. Right. I'm aiming for a rough draft minus intro and conclusion by end of January.

Aside from hitting to the core of every grad student's worst fears, the I-can't-really-do-this-I'm-not-smart-enough-and-everyone's-going-to-know, it also left me with the feeling of, "ok, and then what?" An 8th year of grad school? No. Sorry. This dissertation will be done this year come hell or high water. I've written enough and I only have one more analytical chapter and the intro and conclusion to go... plus a Kardashaian sized ass-ton of editing. And, b/c I hate that she's right, another round of re-organizing and re-structuring. So, yes, I have 7 months to produce the final draft. Funny thing? now I'm really beginning to wonder if I can actually do it. (note to non-humanities readers: we go through so many drafts w/ such extensive comments that even my advisor who has full confidence in my work thinks it'll be a real push to finish in 7 months. even with as much as I have written.)

So, now I'm back to the drawing board. And the diss will be better and stronger for it, and blah blah blah, but I'm tired. I'm tired of writing yet another goddamn outline of my diss only to have the last one disappear in a puff of smoke. I probably have an entire dissertation full of discarded dissertation plans and outlines. On the one hand, I'm getting "more comfortable with being uncomfortable". Trying to let go of needing to produce discrete chapters and embrace just writing, writing, writing, and shaping the work in the editing process. On the other hand, I know how much freakin' work that actually takes, and it's really hard to send stuff to people (both for feedback and to show them what I've done) with this style of writing. I feel like I'm always saying "It's almost there, I swear I've been writing!" but rarely have anything that I can show to people.

So, the doldrums are back. I'm tired. I'm bored. And I'm not sure what to do with myself. I feel increasingly like I'm running full-speed into a brick wall. And as depressing as that sounds, at least the brick wall was in sight. Now I feel like someone moved the wall back several miles. And put a pit in front of it. With alligators and poison ivy. I miss my colleagues. I miss my friends. I even miss my department drama and gossip. Gchat and skype are good, but they can't replace face-to-face interactions. I'd take the day off, but I'm not even sure what I'd do.

what do I really want to do? Go shopping and spend money I don't have. Bake, cook, make the kitchen a mess and eat until I feel sick. Get really drunk and pretend all of this isn't happening. Then maybe run naked and screaming for the hills. And without sunscreen! Because that's the kind of f-you world mood I'm in.

What am I probably going to do? Tell my whiny privileged self to shut-up, fold my laundry, go for a walk, get back to work.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

*and before you ask, I met with my main reader and we put together a plan for getting me through. We also considered a diss committee shake up, but based on my topic and the resources available to me, it's not possible at this stage in the game.

Meanwhile, in Bon Temps...

This year, L and I decided (pretty last minute) to throw together a couple's costume. After some other ideas  - trash can dalek and Amy Pond, Femme Dr. Who 11 and TARDIS - we settled on some True Blood action.

Meet, Terry and Arlene Bellefleur:

Don't forget to tip your waitress

We had a kick ass time at Nightmare on Congress St. ($15, 4 venues, live music and DJs).  I imagine this is what SC would have been like w/ the cops, flood lights, stabbings, and, you know, good bars, clubs, and music. Tusconians take Halloween really seriously. The costume contest was quite competitive, the winners were a couple dressed as a light up jellyfish and a deep sea diver (2nd place) , and a guy dressed as the bear fucker. He was wearing a lumberjack costume and dragged around, connected to his crotch a near life-size replica of a giant brown bear. It's the kind of costume that takes commitment.  Of course, there were tons of Sexy Fill-In-The-Blank, but there was also a team of Double Dear contestants, a Rocketeer, and a number of other well designed, handmade, costumes.

L and I got a lot of compliments while we were out. Only one person gasped "ooooh... Sookie!" Groan. 

We decided that next year we need to add a demon baby to the mix. Maybe we'll kidnap our new nephew.

NOLA

A few weeks ago Luke and I took a couples-only, no-family-allowed, vacation to New Orleans. I had been once before, and loved it. Luke had never been. We had a really wonderful time. My aunt hooked us up with her time share and we used miles for the plane tickets. We did a lot of walking in the French Quarter, walking in the Garden district, trying to walk to the Rum Distillery before realizing it was way too far (even for me!). We also did a lot of eating, how can you not?

It was a wonderfully relaxing and rejuvenating trip. A very nice way to celebrate 11 years(!) of being together.

Balconies were enjoyed 

Visited the residence of my great-grandmother, and famous mid-century author, Frances Parkinson Keyes

Po' Boys were eaten

So were beignets 

Some beer was involved

and some rum (we did eventually make it to the distillery)

more food was eaten (K-Paul's for lunch)

and I held the tiniest alligator, "Budweiser"

Isn't all gloom & doom

Celebrating 3 applications down and 2 to go with a brownie and coffee.

Thoughts on the job market, things we say to one another, and the art of listening

I'm continuing to work on applications, cover letters, teaching statements, and syllabi. But, it looks like I'm on track to be done with my job applications and back to dissertation week starting on Monday. Woot. I think.

Being on the market and talking to colleagues has raised an issue that I've noticed in other contexts, but find particularly common in the job search. It's when you make a statement and the other person responds sympathetically to a statement that was not intended to invoke sympathy. For example:
me: "I'm on the market, but it doesn't look good. There aren't that many jobs and there are tons of applicants. I'm prepared to not get any interviews. (and even have a back up plan)."

Well-meaning friend:
"Don't think like that! You're really smart and your work is good, I'm sure things will work out fine! You'll see!"

Now, I didn't say: "I'm a moron, my work sucks, and I'm never going to get a job." Or, "I'm not going to get a job because I'm just too stupid." Or, "I really want a job *sob* and I'm going to be destroyed if I don't get one *sob* because it means I'm stupid *sob*" I said, "there are too many people chasing too few jobs and it's not likely I will get one". When you're applying for positions w/ 200 applicants it is simply a factual statement to say "even though I am well-qualified, it is not likely I will get the job," because, in fact, a 1:200 chance is pretty "unlikely". And if I was really sobbing through the statement, then of course i would hope for at least a kleenex.

I see this happen with other things, too. To borrow and example from a dear, and fantastically curvy friend in college. Scene: shopping:
Friend 1: "So, does this make me look fatter?"
Friend 2: "Oh, friend, you're not fat! Don't say that about yourself!"
Friend 1:" Wait, I am fat. I'm ok with being fat, I didn't say 'does this make me look ugly?', I was asking if it fit"
Friend 2: "Oh but you're not fat, dont' beat yourself up!"

And on, and on. The listener reads all sorts of low self-esteem, stress, and anxiety into the speakers, frankly, simple question. Feministing highlighted a fantastic video on this topic called "Adipositivity" that I highly recommend. Caution, likely NSFW:

Situation 3, becoming more common in my 30s as my friends start reproducing:
Friend 1: "My partner and I want to start a family, but we think, for a variety of reasons, it might take a while."
Friend 2: "Oh don't stress about that, just have fun!"
Friend 1: "No, no, we're not worried, we just have realistic expectations that it might just take us longer..."
Friend 2: "Worrying makes it worse! I'm sure you guys will get pregnant right away."

Again, context matters. If friend 1 is clearly upset about this fact, by all means, sympathy is appropriate. However the immediate jump to "don't worry" completely ignores what friend 1 was stating, and assumes they are stressed/anxious/worried about something they may not be. It also assumes that what may be very valid concerns are "all in their head" (implied in the "just have fun").

The point of all of this is that I think Americans are really bad at wanting to fix (their perceptions of) everyone's problems. And we assume that if you make a less than positive statement about something, anything, you must have low self-esteem and need cheering up. When sometimes we make less-than-self-affirming-statements simply because they are reality. Now, it's important to recognize that often these are issues that really effect people. A stressed, less-than-confident grad student on the job market is likely to need a little boosting. But boosting blindly, rather than listening to the context and responding, doesnt' help anyone.

I guess this is similar to people who kept telling me "don't worry, everything will be fine!" about my research trip to England. When I was expressing my stress it was simply to get the stress out and for people to acknowledge that things may not actually be fine. Because there's a lot of assumptions in our country "that it will all work out in the end" (insert fingers in ears and sing loudly). But sometimes things don't "work out" in the end, and that's ok too. We have to be able to deal with things not going according to some magical ideal, but just dealing with reality. And be careful not to project our own fears, stress, anxiety for our friends/family, on to them. We can't really help one another until we really listen to one another.

I do this myself. When I dont' know what to say, I try a "cheer up line". But I think I do so to manage my own stress at seeing my perception of stress in my friend, rather than really listening to them.

A less whiny post about cover letters

Wow, last post really channeled my whiny/emo side. This week I'm onto job applications that are for early modern Europe positions rather than generalist. Shocking that the job apps that are specific to my training are substantially easier to write than the generalist application that wanted a candidate who could teach a range including "non-Eurocentric World History, American Political Thought, Reformation Ideology". This week's letters are going much better because I can actually talk about how and why I teach early modern Europe, instead of saying "I'm trained in early mod Europe, but spent 2 years as a modern Europeanist, and can teach World Jewish History, Food History, fully dedicated to teaching undergrads, fully dedicated to research and scholarship. I slice, I dice, I'm your woman!" 

This week I have 4 letters to produce. 2 for early modern positions as small liberal arts colleges (SLAC) and 2 for modern Britain positions at one SLAC and one R1 Uni. The last two will be a stretch, but I hope to emphasize that I"m in the late early modern (1600-1800), instead of the early  early modern (1400-1600), my research will easily transfer into the 19th century, I have a 20th century project in the works, and my MA is in modern Europe (post-1789). It'll be a hard sell, but it's worth a try.

My job market search is stressful like most others. Dealing with the 2-body problem is not so much frustrating as somewhat painful. Mainly because L's job is going really well, the work is really interesting, and we recently received news that they will move their HQ to Boulder, CO (not Huntsville, AL) in 4 or so years. On the one hand, if they moved to Huntsville it would have been easier for us to move if I receive an offer. On the other hand, if I was SOL this year, it means we'd be looking at Huntsville (really, we'd just both be back on the market). So now I have a partner in a job he likes, with a group who really likes him, doing work that's interesting, possibly a career position, and moving to a place we want to live in. Sort of like him being in a TT position at a great school. It will be awesome if all goes as planned and I get a pity interview from my alma matter but no other job bites. But really painful if I do get a good offer somewhere and we have to figure out what to do. Whose career we follow. Don't get me wrong, it's a fantastic problem to have, but I have to admit that some very small, sick part of me is hoping I don't get interviews just so I don't have to make the hard decision. We kick Plan B into high gear (me working PT and focusing on publishing in order to improve my CV for the next go around), and try to plan for a big job push for me when we relocate. Which really sounds pretty cool. 

Cover Letters of Doom

I'm on the job market (of Doom) this year and I'm trying desperately to piece together my first cover letter. Yes it's due today. Yes I started several days ago. Yes, it still pretty much sucks.

I. Hate. Cover. Letters. In fact, I hate all sort of personal statements, project proposals, dissertation abstracts. You name it, I probably hate it. But what really drives my nuts about the whole process is that people say a cover letter is supposed to get both "you" and "your expertise" across in the same letter. The problem is that that is a big, bold-faced lie. Because me - the funny, passionate, enthusiastic, caring, invested me that students respond to - really doesn't come across on letters that have to be impressive for their formality. I try, I include bits of my voice, but every time they're the first thing readers say to cut. The readers are right, but it means my letters read like a shitty summary of my work desperately tailored to hit all the buzz words in the job ad. I can't say: "I incorporate such a wide range of material to demonstrate that a history of the potato is as valid a historical inquiry as the role of gender and class in 19^th century European Imperial projects or the development of the Reformed ideology in 16^th century England."  - which is both funny and gets the point across, because it's not appropriate, reads as glib, blah, blah, blah. Cover letters aren't about expressing yourself, it's about shilling yourself in a way that will get you through a search committee sort, and it's really hard to do that w/o being, frankly, stuffy and boring. And I hate the way writing these things make me feel icky inside. It's like writing grant proposals where you basically like about all the work you've done (will do) just to get the money. The best salesmen (regardless of whether any of the work is done) get the sale.


These letters aren't me, they're the me that I think the search committee wants to see... because the letters that are "me" don't pass muster. How sad is that?


I wish I could send a video cover letter. I realize that a SC can't skim a video as quickly as they can skim a real cover letter. When I talk to people about what I do and how and why I do it, they're always really impressed with me. But translating that onto paper feels like the difference between watching Shakespeare or opera versus just reading the libretto.