Doldrums of Fall

Every Fall I seem to hit a rough patch. I'm less excited, more easily discourage, and struck by a general malaise crossed with boredom. Usually this happens in late Aug/early Sept but this year I was so busy that I think I flew right by it. For some reason, however, the feelings of "ugh" have caught up with me.

Part of it is the bizarre rush-to-wait stress of the job market. What happens to us if I get an offer? What in hell do I do if I don't get an offer? (yes I have a plan, and although I try to be excited about it, right now it feels inordinately depressing). What am I doing with my life, and if i'm so tired of the academic chasing game (chasing money, chasing jobs, chasing people), am I willing to do it again next year?

Part of it was sparked by a really discouraging conversation with a committee member last week. There are  caveats to be placed on the comments (ze is on the academic-brilliant-but-wackadoo side of things, I've been through this with hir before, and it was painfully clear that the comments were on work that the reader didn't actually read...), but they also struck mighty close to home. Maybe inappropriate, but not necessarily inaccurate. My diss has issues. I've been wrestling with them for a while w/ little resolution. The comments, "you really need to restructure the whole thing" were hard to hear b/c they struck a chord. But the one that got me was: "there's no way you'll finish for a June graduation." From the person who is supposed to be writing me letters of recommendation for jobs starting next fall. Part of hir comments were based on hir time frame for reading and commenting, that included 2 months for first pass on the finished diss, a month for me to make recommended changes, and then 2 more months for 2nd pass on the draft, followed by at least another month of my making changes. On that schedule, which is fully unreasonable, I need to have a full, polished draft in hir hand by December. Right. I'm aiming for a rough draft minus intro and conclusion by end of January.

Aside from hitting to the core of every grad student's worst fears, the I-can't-really-do-this-I'm-not-smart-enough-and-everyone's-going-to-know, it also left me with the feeling of, "ok, and then what?" An 8th year of grad school? No. Sorry. This dissertation will be done this year come hell or high water. I've written enough and I only have one more analytical chapter and the intro and conclusion to go... plus a Kardashaian sized ass-ton of editing. And, b/c I hate that she's right, another round of re-organizing and re-structuring. So, yes, I have 7 months to produce the final draft. Funny thing? now I'm really beginning to wonder if I can actually do it. (note to non-humanities readers: we go through so many drafts w/ such extensive comments that even my advisor who has full confidence in my work thinks it'll be a real push to finish in 7 months. even with as much as I have written.)

So, now I'm back to the drawing board. And the diss will be better and stronger for it, and blah blah blah, but I'm tired. I'm tired of writing yet another goddamn outline of my diss only to have the last one disappear in a puff of smoke. I probably have an entire dissertation full of discarded dissertation plans and outlines. On the one hand, I'm getting "more comfortable with being uncomfortable". Trying to let go of needing to produce discrete chapters and embrace just writing, writing, writing, and shaping the work in the editing process. On the other hand, I know how much freakin' work that actually takes, and it's really hard to send stuff to people (both for feedback and to show them what I've done) with this style of writing. I feel like I'm always saying "It's almost there, I swear I've been writing!" but rarely have anything that I can show to people.

So, the doldrums are back. I'm tired. I'm bored. And I'm not sure what to do with myself. I feel increasingly like I'm running full-speed into a brick wall. And as depressing as that sounds, at least the brick wall was in sight. Now I feel like someone moved the wall back several miles. And put a pit in front of it. With alligators and poison ivy. I miss my colleagues. I miss my friends. I even miss my department drama and gossip. Gchat and skype are good, but they can't replace face-to-face interactions. I'd take the day off, but I'm not even sure what I'd do.

what do I really want to do? Go shopping and spend money I don't have. Bake, cook, make the kitchen a mess and eat until I feel sick. Get really drunk and pretend all of this isn't happening. Then maybe run naked and screaming for the hills. And without sunscreen! Because that's the kind of f-you world mood I'm in.

What am I probably going to do? Tell my whiny privileged self to shut-up, fold my laundry, go for a walk, get back to work.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

*and before you ask, I met with my main reader and we put together a plan for getting me through. We also considered a diss committee shake up, but based on my topic and the resources available to me, it's not possible at this stage in the game.