Grant Rejection # Who the Hell Knows

Another year, another grant rejection. This one is an odd one as I was not the primary academic on the grant. It was to the NEH for a Summer Seminar in World History with a senior faculty at Hippie U who had had the course funded twice previously. It was a competitive year, blah blah blah (is it ever NOT a competitive year for academic funding?!), thanks for applying. Oddly, I don't feel that shaken in terms of my self-esteem. Partially b/c he was the primary director and partially because I'm really getting used to rejection after 5 years of it. Also, it's not my research or my baby, it's a world history project I'm excited about, but still somewhat of a side project. What hit me really, really hard is the loss of potential income. I have't been able to find any academic employment here short of teaching one class on Jewish Woman's History at my Temple, which may bring me a honorarium of a few hundred dollars. Between the lack of work and now the pending birth of our spawn, I was really banking on this grant as my main employment for this year. I'll apply on the academic market, which would mean work starting in fall 2013, and would fantastic, but let's be realistic  about my odds at a TT position. Yes, I'm smart, my project is interesting, and gosh darn it, people like me... but the market is extremely competitive and banking on actually getting a FT position really is akin to banking on winning the lottery. Not because I'm not a wonderful person, good scholar, etc... but b/c there are several hundred other wonderful people and great scholars out there that I'm competing with.

The positive is that my feelings about myself as an academic while weathering rejection are still strong and pretty unshaken. The negative is that, though I feel fine about myself and my work, self esteem doesn't count for much when it comes to paying the bills. Being confident in my work isn't going to help pay for car repairs. And though I understand the well-meaning comments from faculty that I just need to "hang in there", and "something will come along, someday"... that completely neglects the reality that I'm in my mid 30s, I have a dependent on the way, and the financial obligations we face now and will face in the future (medical care, retirement, putting aside money for our kids to go to college, helping our parents if they need care, replacing one of our 12+ year old cars with something newer, like a 7 year old car...) are very real and require two income-earners. It's much easier to "hang in there" when you already have full time employment and any grant money you bring in is just extra. Though I'm sure you, gentle readers, are well aware of this reality - I seem to have the hardest time getting the faculty I work with to understand ("well, your husband has a job, right?" Yes, because being financially dependent on my husband to fund my life as an independent scholar is the reasonable solution to the underemployment crisis in academia. Yeah, there's nothing f*$&ed up and gendered about that comment.)

Anyway... I can't drink because of the parasite, and really getting good and properly drunk IS the appropriate response to things like grant rejections, job market rejections, and the Republican National Convention (having to face that sober is seriously a form of torture). So what does your IrishRed resort to in her period of imposed sobriety? Torturing her cat. Because my cat is ridiculous and it makes me laugh.

So here's Oona modeling a baby vest I finished (Baby Owl Vest from a Caffeinated yarn in Spud and Chloe Sweater, spice, 1 skein). She also looks smashing in a onsie I embroidered for L with a flying-V on it - though I think she fits the newborn size better than the 3 month size. She has no idea what's in store for her on Halloween.

I'm in the damn sweater, can I have food now?

Mmm... floor....

I hate you. I really, really hate you

A Tale of Two Blankets

It's been a very crafty summer around here. Lots of baby-related stuff I didn't want to show until I announced the pregnancy. This weekend I finished two blankets, one knit and one sewn.

Op-Art
Knit on 8's in cascade 220 superwash.

I love this blanket as a final product. I think the increases and optical illusion are very clever and make a unique, modern, baby item. The first several circles are fun - they are easy and quick. The last, larger, circles are boring as hell. This would be a great project for a beginning knitter still working their way through knits and purls - and SO much cooler than a scarf. At this point, I can make this without having to look at the stitches (which is awesome), but the repetitive ks and ps are murder on my wrists. Yes, I'm already gearing up to be able channel full on Jewish mother when I tell my kiddo the sacrifices I endured to finish this blanket.


The second blanket is a receiving blanket from Juicy Bits.


I had an old grey flannel duvet that I was considering tossing when I realized that re-cycled flannel is great for baby crafts. This blanket was very simple: 1 yard patterned fabric, sewn to 1 yd flannel, and bound with a contrasting color. All in all, it took about 4.5 hours to complete.


The fabric is Kelp Forest Aqua from Jay-Cyn's Storeybook II line. It's a beautiful organic cotton that reminds me of northern California.



I've got two more blankets in the works. One is a second receiving blanket like the one above, but backed with minkee, the second is a "floor quilt". A basic quilt that will be backed with more grey flannel and intended for the floor. We have concrete floors around here and I have visions of baby F-J falling over and breaking body parts.

Thoughts on Introductions

I promise this isn't dissertation whining, more like... musing. I finished my introduction this week and sent it off to my advisor (henceforth known as The Scot) for comments. I don't think this would have been possible without the help of my commrade-in-arms, D. I swear she is the yin to my academic yang, and has the incredible ability to make sense of my frantic writing and give really constructive feedback.

So here are a few thoughts:

-Chapters suck, but the introduction might be the worst (saving the final assessment until I have to write the conclusion).

-Lit reviews are a real pain, but once you figure out they are not supposed to be anything like the historiographic essays you've spent the last 7 years writing or your QE papers, they get better.

-The intro to the intro - where you lay out your argument - is really hard. Even after you've been working on your argument for years. The "haven't I already said this a million times" feeling is really hard to shake. I was only able to write this after sending D my chapter and asking her: so what is this actually about? What's actually important here?

-If you are like me, and struggle with the cute-narrative-anecdote-to-pull-the-reader-in-thing, the intro to the intro is a real bitch. I still don't have a hook.

-When you thesis, make sure you have a thesis buddy going through approximately the same phases as you. Someone who can give you really honest, concrete, put-this-sentence-here, despite-the-70-pages-you-wrote-this-bit-on-page-72-is-your-real-argument, you can do it! kind of feedback.

Finally, in retrospect I should have hired another one of my major thesis support people, the Goat, to write my intro. He's a master at historiography and even better at integrating anecdotal evidence to bring in the reader. My current "hook" is a tiny baby step up from "this dissertation argues X".

Conclusion: Despite the historical field's insistence that our work be solitary endeavors that express the unique genius of each of us, the best academic work should be collaborative and draw on other people's strengths. If I could combine one super-historian that incorporated D's deft handling of research and analysis, the Goat's mastery of historiography and anecdotes, and my editing, interdisciplinary, and public speaking skills... we'd be unstoppable! Maybe that's why they make us work in isolation, too much power and we'd actually succeed in taking over the world.

Back to Diss writing hell

I'm in one of the final circles of diss writing hell: writing the introduction. You think by now I'd know what my thesis was about, but you'd be wrong. Rather than bore you with details, I'll just stop right here.

After a particularly grueling and frustrating week, I was pleasantly surprised to fine the dance studio at the gym vacant last night. I spent about 15-20 min at the barre and decided to snap this pic. So for those who have been wondering (probably mainly my mom and MIL :) ), this is what your IrishRed looks like 24 weeks (6 mo) pregnant, in a front attitude no less.