Thoughts on the job market, things we say to one another, and the art of listening

I'm continuing to work on applications, cover letters, teaching statements, and syllabi. But, it looks like I'm on track to be done with my job applications and back to dissertation week starting on Monday. Woot. I think.

Being on the market and talking to colleagues has raised an issue that I've noticed in other contexts, but find particularly common in the job search. It's when you make a statement and the other person responds sympathetically to a statement that was not intended to invoke sympathy. For example:
me: "I'm on the market, but it doesn't look good. There aren't that many jobs and there are tons of applicants. I'm prepared to not get any interviews. (and even have a back up plan)."

Well-meaning friend:
"Don't think like that! You're really smart and your work is good, I'm sure things will work out fine! You'll see!"

Now, I didn't say: "I'm a moron, my work sucks, and I'm never going to get a job." Or, "I'm not going to get a job because I'm just too stupid." Or, "I really want a job *sob* and I'm going to be destroyed if I don't get one *sob* because it means I'm stupid *sob*" I said, "there are too many people chasing too few jobs and it's not likely I will get one". When you're applying for positions w/ 200 applicants it is simply a factual statement to say "even though I am well-qualified, it is not likely I will get the job," because, in fact, a 1:200 chance is pretty "unlikely". And if I was really sobbing through the statement, then of course i would hope for at least a kleenex.

I see this happen with other things, too. To borrow and example from a dear, and fantastically curvy friend in college. Scene: shopping:
Friend 1: "So, does this make me look fatter?"
Friend 2: "Oh, friend, you're not fat! Don't say that about yourself!"
Friend 1:" Wait, I am fat. I'm ok with being fat, I didn't say 'does this make me look ugly?', I was asking if it fit"
Friend 2: "Oh but you're not fat, dont' beat yourself up!"

And on, and on. The listener reads all sorts of low self-esteem, stress, and anxiety into the speakers, frankly, simple question. Feministing highlighted a fantastic video on this topic called "Adipositivity" that I highly recommend. Caution, likely NSFW:

Situation 3, becoming more common in my 30s as my friends start reproducing:
Friend 1: "My partner and I want to start a family, but we think, for a variety of reasons, it might take a while."
Friend 2: "Oh don't stress about that, just have fun!"
Friend 1: "No, no, we're not worried, we just have realistic expectations that it might just take us longer..."
Friend 2: "Worrying makes it worse! I'm sure you guys will get pregnant right away."

Again, context matters. If friend 1 is clearly upset about this fact, by all means, sympathy is appropriate. However the immediate jump to "don't worry" completely ignores what friend 1 was stating, and assumes they are stressed/anxious/worried about something they may not be. It also assumes that what may be very valid concerns are "all in their head" (implied in the "just have fun").

The point of all of this is that I think Americans are really bad at wanting to fix (their perceptions of) everyone's problems. And we assume that if you make a less than positive statement about something, anything, you must have low self-esteem and need cheering up. When sometimes we make less-than-self-affirming-statements simply because they are reality. Now, it's important to recognize that often these are issues that really effect people. A stressed, less-than-confident grad student on the job market is likely to need a little boosting. But boosting blindly, rather than listening to the context and responding, doesnt' help anyone.

I guess this is similar to people who kept telling me "don't worry, everything will be fine!" about my research trip to England. When I was expressing my stress it was simply to get the stress out and for people to acknowledge that things may not actually be fine. Because there's a lot of assumptions in our country "that it will all work out in the end" (insert fingers in ears and sing loudly). But sometimes things don't "work out" in the end, and that's ok too. We have to be able to deal with things not going according to some magical ideal, but just dealing with reality. And be careful not to project our own fears, stress, anxiety for our friends/family, on to them. We can't really help one another until we really listen to one another.

I do this myself. When I dont' know what to say, I try a "cheer up line". But I think I do so to manage my own stress at seeing my perception of stress in my friend, rather than really listening to them.