Week 2 and I'm already in rant-mode. The older and more introspective I get, the more I realize that I have a hard times letting things go, and a hard time shutting the fuck up. I don't mean things like personal grudges, but when I'm in a situation that I would describe as frustrating for institutional reasons, I have a really hard time letting go of that frustration, even if I've found a reasonable solution. I think it's because I like being pissed off, ranting and raving, and preaching to the choir... but those are hardly characteristics I am proud to cultivate. In this particular situation I've worked through and solved the basic problem, I'm happy with the outcome (not the ideal but very good and promising in many ways), but I can't shake the frustration. Maybe because people keep asking me about it and it flares up like and old war wound. Maybe I'm just facing early on the incredible frustrations that one faces in academia. Maybe, deep down, I'm just a nasty old bitch who likes to hear herself talk and puts her foot in her mouth more often than not. Or maybe it's the inevitable wearing down you experience when you feel like you're the one making adjustments to fit the institution, and you see an opportunity to change the institution so that others don't get stuck in your position, but you know that it (seems to be ) is too late for you.
Either way, I got to find a way to keep it under better control. Exercising doesn't work 1) b/c I do it every day and 2) it seems to help diffuse immediate issues, but not the long term ones. I don't have time for yoga and I'm not a very meditative person. Talking about it doesn't help, because every time I start it reminds me of the irritation rather than doing anything useful. (which not surprisingly related to evidence from several psychological studies that reveals that "ranting" and "venting" in relationships is significantly more destructive than diffusing the situation and keeping your mouth shut).
Verbally I let things build too much w/o checking myself enough. I need to remind myself to go back to diplomatic land, take a deep breath and think before I comment. I have a hard time thinking before I comment. I also think that 2-3 cups of coffee in the course of an 1.5 hour meeting is too much. I consume stimulants too fast and it either gets me drunk faster than I want to be, or jittery and nervous faster than I should be, and all equals bad news.
Remind us what the issue was that started this off again? Feel free to employ code words + names. :]
ReplyDeleteSorry if I've ever unintentionally fanned the flames. I myself have trouble knowing when I've crossed the line between venting and bitching, and I probably cross it ALL the time, haha.
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain... I think you and I often think similarly. It is really, really hard not to try and fix a completely backasswards situation and it damned near impossible to not rant n rave about it. I am always stopping myself and staying "now, why can't I just stop complaining and say one goddamned positive thing about this?"
ReplyDeleteMy solution thus far has been longer exercise sessions and relaxation CDs. I just started taking hatha yoga classes here, too.
The other solution is watching Seinfeld re-runs. Somehow my life and situation feels better after laughing about other people complaining about stupid things. To each their own, I suppose.