Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Inner Demons


Meet my inner demon, his name is Bob. Grad school makes me angry. I'm not exactly sure why - probably the combination of fear and anxiety about success and the future, feelings of inadequacies and that your best won't be enough, frustration at events completely out of your control, I mean, really, I could go on and on. But add to it the precarious economic situation of the UC, anger at the Regents and similarly minded administrators, the idiocy of the nation that can't see we need a single payer health care system (socialized medicine? yes, thank you) combined with the Dems being too scared to actually push the country in that direction, again, I could go on and on. Now, I've never been a calm and mellow person, nor have I really tried to be. I've always had a fire in my belly (Irish slow-build temper, "east coast personality" from my father, just who I am), but it's generally been at a low simmer. Recently, and this happened the last time I felt similarly overwhelmed and frustrated, I've been lashing out and ranting and raving. From time to time this is good for comic value, but my tongue and my words have gotten control of me.* As if bob runs screaming from my mouth, ax and all, to hack away not at the cause of my anger but whatever focus point I can find at the moment. To only further dig myself into a dork hole,** my goblin's been permanently enchanted with:
But I don't like it. It's getting in the way of my work and unless I can lead a team of fellow demons, goblins, and amazons into battle some time soon (seriously, is there a profession where I can be a rager-for-hire? I will come and fight your fights? Sadly, i think that's called being a lobbyist or lawyer...), I need to find a way to get him back under control.
My usual regimen of exercise, sleep, eating well, and having fun isn't working. Although my first thought is to take up something like boxing where I get to hit something, I'm afraid that would actually only feed, rather than deal with, the rage. So I'm looking for something to help me calm, center, and try to come to some peace so I don't hack everyone to bits sometime in the near future. If you've got suggestions, I'd be happy to read them.

*I don't even want to think of the psychological implications of a woman studying the punishment of scolds who increasingly feels that her own unruly tongue has gotten out control and will get her in trouble.
**I think I lost all ground in turning my nose up at my nearest and dearest's RPGs.

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