Huh

This is a pretty accurate representation of a student I met with today during office hours. They are taking their first "big university" classes after transferring here from a not so local community college. In addition to living a few towns down the 1 and not having a car, they're working 4 days a week to pay their bills and make ends meet. New place, new job, new school, first upper div take home midterm. The student actually came to me to talk about reading strategies because they were so overwhelmed with the reading (about 200 pgs a week, some easy, some of the I-spent-6-years-in-the-archive-and-I'm-going-to-recount-every-single-detail difficult), they felt lost. Tears welled up in their eyes as they told me they just couldn't keep track of the argument and kept falling asleep and I felt the total terrible frustration I see in grad students making the undergrad-grad transition in this jc-univ student's eyes. I reassured them that history is simultaneously fascinating and mind numbing, and that if you try to read 200 pages on the English Reformations in one sitting, you'll pass out by page 15, wake up 3 hours later, and feel more frustrated than before. We talked through some reading strategies, writing strategies, and some "get outside and find something you look forward to, even once a week" strategies (I showed them the rec center and the recreation catalog). I also told them to keep in touch with me (I'll have my eye on them), and that b/c this is their first big assignment, I'd be happy to go through their paper with them after I hand it back.

What struck me about this encounter is the realization that I really love helping my students - especially those who are willing to work with me. This student contributes to section, comes faithfully to lecture, and is really motivated to work - not necessarily to "get an A" but to do the best work they can. What has really struck me is the realization of how much I care about my students - I want to see them bright eyed, well-fed, and with a decent night's sleep. Despite my ranting and raving, it's more frustration and disappointment when they're lazy than outright dislike. I relish in the performance aspect of teaching, but the mentoring really drives me. I especially enjoy working with my first generation college and jr college transfer students. I've been thinking a lot about this in the last few months, and it is completely clear now that I am meant to be at a teaching institution. I enjoy the research and I'm looking forward to writing my diss (man, did I just write that?), but it's the pedagogy that really gets me fired up.

What's really given me a sense of calm is how much more clear it is to me that I am on the right path. Despite my complaining, I really made the right decision in coming to graduate school. And that's sort of comforting to realize.

Now that I'm comfortable having come here, let's see if I can get the grant money to do the research, write the diss, and leave...