I've been feeling bitter. Bitter, and stressed, and burned out. I'm so glad this quarter is almost over and I've decided that I need to seriously change my outlook before I 1) cry in class (again) 2) freak out in class (again) or 3) make everyone I'm around miserable because I can't get over my own shit.
The issue, and i'll do this briefly because I don't want to bore my readers, is that I'm frustrated. I'm not lacking in confidence (or ego for that matter). I know I'm good at what I do. I wouldn't have come to grad school if I wasn't. Frankly, all of us know that we're good at what we do, we wouldn't have made the choice to be in history if that wasn't the case. Of course there's always room from improvement.. and that's what's driving me nuts. I know I have a big jump to make from where I am now to where I need to be to be competitive professionally. I know I'm not there, and I want to be pushed to be there, but I'm not sure that's happening. Maybe my work is as good as my profs seem to think it is, but I'm getting wary of the positive feedback. I know that sounds completely and totally batshit insane, but the research proposal I turned in needed work. Desperate work. And the comments... she liked it, and felt I had outlined a really good project. Well, I already knew the project was solid, but the proposal was crap. I wanted it ripped to shreds. re-reading that, I must be insane.
I feel sort of nuts (that may also be the last of the Halloween candy I scarfed down...), so I'm going to sign off, promise to post more often, and spend the rest of the evening with Luke watching a movie.
yeah, I know what you mean about the feedback thing. Of course, I haven't even submitted a proposal yet, let alone any kind of real research. So far most of the positive feedback I have received about my ideas is almost deferential; it's weird. Seriously, I'm not sure what to make of it, because my memories of discussing research ideas are marred with a lot of nodding, crying, and taking a box of kleenex. Am I really that much smarter now? Maybe, I don't know. I guess it just sucks that the moment I finally get to a place where I can take the criticism I need, I don't get the kind of criticism I want.
ReplyDeleteAlso-- good job on the blog. you beat me. I guess I will have to even up by saying something wildly inappropriate in seminar on Thursday.
Don't worry... it's been a long ass quarter for most of us. Soon enough we'll all get the much needed mental break and SLEEP that is needed in times like these.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I don't think you're crazy in wanting to have your proposal "ripped to shreds." I also live by the motto "what doesn't kill me can only make me stronger." With that said, I hope to some day sound half as a good as you do in front of a group of people.