Grumblings

I turn 27 in about 2 hours and 30 min. For the first time, I'm feeling old. Not physically old, but like time is passing more quickly than I would like it to and the next thing I know I'm going to be 40, still in grad school and unemployed. Hmm, guess what's lurking in my anxiety closet?

Grad school is so much more lonely than I ever expected it to be. Up until now I haven't had many classes with other grad students. The upside is the ability to work closely with professors, the down side is that I feel my academic social life, not to mention my actual social life, is somewhat lacking. We all just seem so into our own work, and not necessarily happily so, that no one has the time/energy/desire to really reach out. When you do, you do so with the realization that grad school is temporary and that after our brief stint here, most of which is spent with our noses to the grindstone, we will be gone. It sets an odd sense of this time as very temporary, even if it is going to be 4 to 6 years in one location. Especially because of the lack of industry and high housing market, the likelihood that many of the people you meet here will actually settle here is slim to none.

I'm making good progress with my transcriptions, although they are much more slow-going than I expected. I'm on almost 9 or 10 hours and still not done with my 1 hour and 20 min interview. I certainly hope I will get quicker as I go along. I like the research work I am doing and I absolutely love the people. I'm nervous about this coming school year because it's going to be hard and a lot of work. The classes I'm taking are interesting and will be essential to rounding me out as a scholar, but they're going to be tough.

Honestly, I find myself crying a lot. I argue with my husband more often, and I can't seem to let go of even the smallest things. It's like I don't feel like I'm accepted here, so even little details on which he disagrees with me (doesn't accept me), I get super defensive about and try to bludgeon him with my point of view. In case you had any doubts, it doesn't do much good other than get us both really upset. I know I'm acting strangely, and I'm never personally offended by his disagreeing with me, but for some reason I feel the need to "convert" him to my side, even if for 30 seconds over something trivial like the proper use of Tu and Ud. in Spanish. I know I'm being overly sensitive, but it doesn't help me from stopping being so. I'm scared of how it's going to translate into a class. I already feel like I'm the weirdo, intense, hyper, cynical one... the last thing I need is for my brain to go screwy and to fight with one of the people I want to become friends with. On the good side, I held my tongue and prevented a fight when I disagreed with my sister this weekend. Argh. We'll see. Maybe I should just finish my Masters and teach at a private High School.

Anyway, 2 hours and 15 min. Sad, it's the first birthday I'm not excited about, but am actually sort of depressed.