A pessimistic approach to history?

This is a mixed post. There is a lot going on here, but not things I’m ready to blog about in detail. I’ve submitted for some grants, L has interviews that are going well, and we will soon know what our options are. Let’s just said in some versions life will continue much as normal, and in others I’m looking at major changes that could result in much more frequently blogging and cooking experiments. A teaser, I know, but you’ll get the full story later.

For the moment I’ve been in a situation this quarter that has really made me interrogate what I do and why I do what I do. This is the basic question of why study history and even if I can’t articulate that, I can articulate one thing: I don’t study history to tell heroic stories, to find role models, to highlight the best parts of humanity in dark times. This is probably why my hackles raise whenever students (professors) want to talk about resistance in the Holocaust as a way to find meaning and bright lights in dark moments. I want to study the dark moments. I want to know, to understand the worst parts of humanity because at base I think that Hobbes is right: we are all nasty brutish creatures who are only humanized by the social structures we create (which is pretty scary when you see how many of our social structures – religion, governments, families – are designed to perpetuate inequality and oppression). In fact, it’s that basic pessimistic view of humanity that makes me so nervous – I don’t think we’re good people with a few bad apples; I think were bad apples. Or maybe, neutral apples. Getting away from apples, I agree with one of my colleagues comments that “human beings always take the path of least resistance” combined with the belief that humans (reinforced in our day and age by capitalism) will always work to promote their own self-interest over that of another (maybe biologically linked to our survival?). I take very serious issue with teaching history out of love for an object/place/person, that does not adequate weigh the light and the dark. Not passion, not drive, but love of a subject that blinds us to the whole picture. Maybe this is why I like the dark moments, you can’t fall in love with them. You are forced to see the horrible things humans do to on another, how they get accustomed to doing it, why the might enjoy doing it, and in the instances, where appropriate, of those who are willing to think outside of themselves and help other for the “better of humanity” (which, of course always depends on what “humanity” we’re talking about – but I guess here assuming a truly universal notion of universalism, humanism, and reason from the Enlightenment, with a heavy dose of ethical liberal socialism).

And can you consider yourself to be a historian if you can’t deal with the “bad”? Wouldn’t it be a little like being a doctor who is unwilling to examine a patient’s legs b/c the feet freak them out?

Ultimately this all underlies my approach to history, which is one in which I see history as an experiment that can’t be repeated, or a “case study” of how human beings responded to certain stimuli given certain social, economic, political, conditions. I know I’ve blogged about this before, and most of you don’t care, but I’m in a situation in which I can’t confront what I see to be a problematic approach to my field of study, and I need some sort of outlet for it.

Security Sweater

Back before I went to England I finished Wendy Bernard's Favorite Cardigan. It was the first time I made anything too small. To be more specific, the sleeves were too tight and the length was all wrong. Of course, I didn't notice and wore it happily to the archives until I saw this pic of me in the sweater:

Not horrible, but the fit was strange and the tight sleeves meant it kept falling off. Plus the length was all wrong. Fortunately I'm used to re-knitting stuff and I decided to re-do the sleeves and add some length. I finished this a few weeks ago and despite the home-knit look that I don't wear all that often (I like a clean, more luxe line I think), I love this sweater. The Malabrigo knits like butter and feels like a soft warm embrace. The more things get stressful around here, of the longer they continue to be stressful, I find myself cuddling up in this like a security blanket, so I thought I'd post a few pics of my newish sweater in my new office:

Notice the longer length now flows evenly over the hips rather than cutting off at the hip. Or not :)

Slightly funny side view.

And finally, because I am a real Southern California girl at heart and 75 degrees in the suna nd 70 in the shade means cold shoulders and warm legs, I'm rocking all of my sweaters these days with a mini skirt and sandals. Oh yeah, I am that So Cal girl who will wear a coat, scarf, gloves, and a mini skirt and bare legs. Cold enough and I haul out the boots... but generally I'm in warm weather and just a bit too chilly for a tank top.

(it's hard to get a leg shot from your laptop camera that doesn't like like its trying to be an upskirt.)

WOO HOO!

Thank FSM that May is shaping up to be better then April.

To re-cap. In April:

1) My dept got notice that summer TAs were going to be much harder (near impossible?) to attain based on a higher necessary enrollment number to qualify for a TA - basically cutting my (and most of my dept's) anticipated summer funding in half.

2) L got the bad news I blogged about 2 posts ago - with the real double whammy of, again, no summer money.

3) A colleague doing China work was really questioning her position in the program based on unavailability of funding and reception of either "reject" or "alternate" status for her fellowships.

4) Good friend faced a difficult birth decision after their little pumpkin decided to remain firmly breech.

And now in May:

1) I have at least a summer readership and possibly a GSR, meaning I can cobble together the money I need to pay the rent! and food! and beer!

2) L GOT AN INTERVIEW! For not just one, but both of the positions he applied for! They fly him out later this month. This means we may be migrating elsewhere soonish, but is very good news.

3) Said colleague not only got funding but got the FULLBRIGHT -HAYS!!! This is sort of like winning the grad student lottery - more money than any other Humanities grant and entrance into the exclusive club of Fullbright scholars.

4) Everything went well for the new parents and they are now settling into happy baby land with an adorable, long-legged, ball of fuzz.

So, the roller coaster continues but I thought I'd take the time to share good news for once.

Lamb Shanks

This is an outstanding lamb recipe from Lynn Alley's The Gourmet Slow Cooker Volume II. I cannot speak highly enough about how easy, healthy and really gourmet-labour-intensive tasting these recipes are. For the grad student-aged readers out there, these are the kind of foods you'd want to make and serve to family, friends, or professors to impress them with your mad cooking skills.

Basque Lamb Shanks

flour for dredging

1 tsp salt

4 small lamb shanks (I just bought lamp steak and cubed it like stew meat)

3 tsp olive oil (I used less most likely)

1 c. dried white beans

6 cloves garlic

1 c. chicken, beef stock or water

1 c. red wine

1 14 oz can diced tomatoes (I used a 28 oz can)

1/2 butternut squash peeled and cute into 1.5" cubes (I used 2 bags of cubed squash from Trader Joe's)

1/2 c. pitted olives (I forgot these)

2 sprigs thyme

ground pepper.

Dredge lamb in flour and brown in a large saute pan over medium high. Brown on all sides.

Transfer to slow cooker, dump in beans, garlic, water/ broth wine and tomatoes. Cook on low for 5 hours. toss in squash and cook on low for another 3 hours. (you can leave the squash in the whole time)

That's it.

I threw in the thyme and some rosemary at the beginning of cooking. I'd post pics but the never look like food you'd want to eat. Live everything looks beautiful but I'm too lazy to figure out how to photograph food well.

Trying to Discipline the Brain

It's been a rough month here in our little beach town. Many of the people in my department who are graduating are venturing into the world of joblessness, a good friend's pregnancy isn't going exactly as planned (although everyone is safe and will be arriving shortly), my ankle is acting up so I can't run or dance, our summer funding was slashed, and we just found out about a week ago that L's funding ends in June. Yup, his secondary adviser told him last week that the year long fellowship he is on is not so much a year long but a 9 month long fellowship, and besides he's done enough work to graduate so his funding stops in June b/c it's been reallocated. Yeah, things that would have been nice to know say IN SEPTEMBER when the fellowship started, or even JANUARY so we had 6 months notice. So L is now faced with the challenge of writing his entire diss and finding a job buy June. This of course comes after 2 weeks of "It's ok, IrishRed, I know your anticipated summer funding will be half this year than you expected it to be because Summer Session screwed everyone out of summer TAships, but I'll still have my income and I get paid a little more during the summer so we should be able to stretch with that and our savings."

Bastards.

Fucking bastards.

We can't tell if the adviser was being a dick or is just such a clueless manager that it never occurred to him to say anything sooner (he's been telling L, "great article, but you should add this, and this, and this..." and "go back for more simulations" for the last 6 months? year?). He's done this to other people and as a friend said he seems about as useful as "assholes on elbows".

Thank god for Charles Shaw (except the new "International Shiraz" from Australia - so sweet you could use it for Sangria and not have to add sugar). And Coffee.

L's been furiously throwing together his CV and is applying for every job he can find in AO. There's a couple out there, but they're all out of state. He's also trying to put together a post-doc application for the NPS in Monterey, and apply for anything else that might be mildly entertaining and pay decently. Next week he sits down to write the world's fastest PhD Dissertation.

The good thing is that I'm far enough along on my dissertation that I'm somewhat portable. I'm trying to get through my microfilm and completely finish my research that requires ILL so that I can move even more easily. And if we go somewhere with a Uni bigger than SC, maybe even one with a proper library - one with books that's open more than a few hours a day?- it shouldn't be too bad. I'd miss the support of the community here, but that's what the digital realm is for.

The most amazing thing has been the outpouring of support we've received from peers and friends. I've never really been part of an adult community that offered so much overwhelming and unsolicited support. It's really heart-warming.

So my brain isn't exactly in my dissertation this week. Writing is coming along, I'll definitely be able to finish my first chapter by the end of the quarter, maybe even the first and most of the second. But I can't seem to stop reading trashy celebrity blogs and knitting sites and get my brain back on track. I figured with all the procrastinating I might as well blog :)

Next up, a new recipe for Basque Lamb Stew from the Slow Cooker Gourmet Cookbook, Vol II. I know I've raved about this cookbook before but if you have a slow cooker and should really get both volumes. The recipes are incredibly good and don't have that 'slower cooker" taste - more like "roasting in a Dutch oven for hours".

Two Recipes

There's some really uncomfortable funding stuff going on here that i'm not ready to blog about. Yell about constantly maybe, but not yet ready to put it on the interwebs. So, enjoy 2 new recipes I've come to love!

101 Cookbooks Red Lentil Coconut Soup - Hearty, curry, coconut, amazing. This soup was so good that after finishing dinner the first night I looked forward to having it for dinner the second night all day long. Gets better over time.

The second is a Ratatouille from Lynford Winery. They used to post their recipes but now it's for members only. Fortunately L saved the recipes before they switched over. This takes about 45 min to cook but is worth it:

1 eggplant

1 zucchini

1 yellow squash (I used 2 zucchini instead)

1 onion (or one leek)

3-4 cloves of garlic (can omit if allergic)

1 medium to large tomato

1 Tbl coriander seeds (recipe calls for toasted and crushed but I just threw them in whole)

1 1/2 c. white wine (nothing too fruity)

Salt and pepper to taste.

1. Cut all veggies into 1" cubes (peel if desired, I don't). Saute onion/leek and garlic in olive oil until onion are a little soft. Add remaining veggies, wine, salt and pepper to taste (about 1/2-1 tsp salt, ground pepper to taste) and coriander, and cook over med-high heat for 45 min or until all soft.

You may have to reduce the heat as the veggies cook down. Watch and stir every 5-8 min or so so that the bottom doesn't burn. If it looks like the heat is too high (veggies are burning) simply turn the heat down.

Not much new

I have things flitting about in my head, but in an attempt to stay focused on diss writing instead of blogging, I'm going to spout them as a list rather than make an effort to put together a coherent post:

1. It's difficult not to look at the Catholic Church and not see a long regressive decline beginning in, I don't know, 1300? 500 years ago, it was indulgences, simony, and nepotism; now it's the utter moral bankruptcy revealed by case after case of sexual abuse and decades of cover-ups. I'm as skeptical as the next grad-traind historian of great progressive or regressive narratives, but I suspect that in the next 30 years there will be an upswing in Catholic history that attempts to explain the present state of the Roman Church.*

2. It's spring, which means it's still cold and rainy. Or at least this week it's cold and rainy. Sunday it was in the 70s and I put away all my winter stuff. This week I haven't spent a day in my office w/o a jacket, long sleeves, sweater and scarf.

3. An advantage to cold and rainy is that it means snow in Tahoe ( which is where L and I snuck away to for a romantical 27 hr hit and run ski trip).

4. I like weddings. Not necessarily the wedding = prom thing, or the sometimes really bad music you get stuck listening to, or the Chicken Dance (shudder), but actually bearing witness to two people who love each other dearly promising to do so in front of their friends and family. A good friend let me be part of her very intimate wedding this past weekend and I found my face shaking b/c I was smiling so much. What can I say, I'm a sucker for love and the fools crazy enough to decide to throw in with one person for the long haul.

*One of which will be fabulous work my a colleague here, although her research is more on nuns and Special Friends - in the homosocial and fully consensual sort of way.

Cookie Results

I gathered a few intrepid cookie engineers/tasters and baked up my doughs. On the whole, the melted butter doughs turned out sort of blah and flat. The creamed butter and sugar doughs were the most flavorful and had the most "lift". We liked the recipes that had about 4 oz butter to 1.25-1.5 c flour (150-180g) to 1-1.25 sugar (220-270g) (top 3 recipes). Too much flour was bland, and a higher butter to flour wth lower sugar ration (as in the Alton Brown) lost structural integrity when cookies (molten dough with chocolate ship islands, instead of a melty marriage of the two).

In reverse order of goodness:

5. Alton Brown's "The Chewy" - this cookie has a weird flat spongy texture and almost no flavor that was particularly tasty. The milk thinned these out a bit and added a funny, muffiny taste. The reminded me of muffin tops tops. No one finished even 1/2 of one of these cookies, which one taster described as prison food before expunging them from the competition. Would not even consider making these again.

4. Giant Chocolate Chip Heath Bar Cookies - This dough was designed to hold in broken up pieces of Halloween candy and they would be perfect for that. They are a very dense, sturdy cookie that isn't particularly sweet - perfect for holding in chocolate peanut butter cups, butterfingers, snickers, you name it. They were ok, but not worth making again except for the aforementioned condition.

3. Carla Robbins Chocolate Chip Cookie - This was the second melted butter cookie and much better than Alton Brown's. This was one of the first attempts to "build a better Toll House" cookie, and was very popular (this cookie and the UNIX cookie were a very close 2nd and 3rd). I liked the flavor of the melted butter (carmely), but I think when compared to my current standard cookie recipe (Citizen Cake crossed with techniques from Cook's Illustrated), t is not as easy or flavorful.

2. UNIX Engineer Stand Mixer Cookie - This is a fabulous cookie - cripy edges with melty pools of soft dough and melted chocolate in the middle. This is a fussy cookie - specific times are given for beating the butter (4 min), adding the sugar and beating (another 5 min, but only scrape down twice), and they cooked at a high temp for a short period of time (400 for 6-8 min). They were very tasty melty, chewy, and had enough structure that they didn't collapse when you bit into them. I would definitely make these again and recommend them for anyone who has ever wondered "does all the beating and creaming make a difference?". Yes, it does.

1. NY Times Cookie - the hands down winner. This is a very flavorful cookie with a wonderfully dense structure. This is another fussy recipe and I think the increased amounts of white sugar, the cake flour, and baking powder gave it the texture that I adore. I, and I'm picky, have one "complaint" with this cookie and it has to do with the white sugar- it gives great texture but makes it taste a little like a white sugar/butter cookie with chocolate chips. While I really go for the richer brown sugar taste over the sweeter and crispier white sugar taste. I think in the future I wouldn't so much reduce the sugar, as increase the brown at the expense of the white, although keeping enough white sugar in it to maintain the texture through baking.

I will definitely make the NY Times and the UNIX cookies again. I may even add baking powder to the UNIX cookies to see if I can get a cross between the two. I liked the Giant Heath Bar cookies as cookies to pack a lot of stuff into, even if they were a bit bland on their own. However, both the NYT and UNIX cookies are pretty labour intensive, need to chill at least over night, and require a heavy duty stand mixer. If I have the forethought to plan ahead, I'll make one of those doughs. But on the whole, I'm not sure that they replace the tastiness of the Citizen Cake Cookie Dough a good friend passed along to me, made with some of the beating techniques of the CI cookie. I think the NYT was so good b/c it reminded all of us of a slightly denser version of the Citizen Cake Cookie.

This was a lot of fun, I may do it again with oatmeal cookies....

Merrily We Sew Along

Finished one baby project and onto the next. I finished my grading yesterday evening and decided to take today to dedicate to craftiness. I got the quilt top pieced this past weekend and picked up the orange and yellow stripy flannel for the back fo the quilt on Tuesday. If I hadn't run out of thread I could have finished stippling the top this afternoon. So, back to Hart's for me for more thread, but I made good progress, no? My stitch length isn't as even as I'd like it to be, and I'm a little awkward around some of the seams and corners, but not bad for not having quilted in 4 years. I think it looks pretty darn cute and will look even better finished.

workstation - TV show on laptop, coffee on the other side

partially quilted top and the back flannel folded over.

flannel close up

another look at the stippling and fabrics.

Cookie Results Coming Soon!

Mega cookie baking happened and the review will be up this week. Preview: Alton Brown failed us ("I would only feed those to prisoners! As punishment!"), and NY Times was a strong show.

Now, a question: If you were a student who had to write a final and one of the prompts asked you to considering whether a certain culture was "medieval" "modern" or both - wouldn't you first do an internal check to make sure you understood those terms? And if you didn't, maybe choose a different topic? Not my students! Don't understand modern (i.e. think it means the computer age), no problem! Don't understand basics of what medieval Europe looked like (i.e. "Culture X in the 1600s had many medieval hold-overs like a free market economy, but that didn't prevent them from also being modern." in case you don't know, there was no free market in 17th century Europe and a highly regulated economy would be one of the elements that most historians would point to as a "medieval hold-over". We spent weeks on this).

And, if there are any students who have found this blog, you're probably smart enough not to do the following (but in case you aren't...): Never, ever, start a paper with "Merriam Webster.com defines XXXX as XXXX"

Baby Season

I currently have two very pregnant friends. Although I somehow missed the "everyone we know gets married" phase, now that I'm 30 I'm seeing the "everyone have a baby" phase begin. Both women have made the whole pregnancy think look down right easy - they've been glamourous and easy going the whole time.

Remarkably unsurprising to anyone who reads this blog, I have two baby-related crafts in the works. For the first baby, BabyXX, we have a pirate's blanket. The pattern is OpArt from Knitty and it's knit in Cascade 220 superwash. Because Mum is highly allergic to cats, it's been washed, dried in a cat-free environment and is currently blocking suspended between a curtain rod and a door.

The second project is the Simple Modern Baby Quilt by Elizabeth Fransson. I feel in love with the pattern and found well-suited fabrics this past weekend. I cut all the pieces for the top and have pinned the top part of the blocks. This is the 3rd quilt I've made and is going much faster than the first two. The colors are greens, oranges, and blues - I'm thinking of a dark blue binding and a yellow/orange flannel for the back. Not sure on the thread, but it'll likely be stippled. It's been a while since I've done any sewing and it's nice to get back to it.

The 5 main blocks, all pinned up and ready to be sewn.

Oona loves crafting.

She's the most helpful kitty in the whole wide world.

501Beers

One Acoustical Engineering nearly-done PhD, one blog, one goal: to try and comment on 501 beers. A good friend of mine from many years back (met when he was dating my little sis) has started a new blog: 501beers . It's a pretty simple premise, and with his SO in China he's zipping through the first 50 or so pretty quick (filing diss + SO far away = lots of beer). It's a good way to read and find out about beer you might not think of buying for yourself (ever really want to try gluten-free beer?) , all with humour and w/ some beer appreciation that is low on the snobbiness

In relation to the beer drinking, I propose that anyone reading this and also attending the WHA in San Diego this summer come join me for an expedition to two favorite breweries: Stone Brewery and Rockbottom in La Jolla. I've never been to Stone but love their beers, and Rockbottom was a local favorite of L and mine when we lived in SD. It's a chain, so the food is standard chain-brewery food, but their beers are made by different brewmasters in each restaurant, and the happy hour is really good and runs from 4-7 and 10-12. It's also where we hit up before L proposed to me, so I have some fond memories of this place.

Dough!

I have 1/3 batches of 5 different Chocolate Chip Cookie recipes chilling in either the fridge or freezer. It was fun to make a bunch of doughs back to back and I really appreciated some of the minute differences in the recipes that I wouldn't have noticed otherwise. Like creaming butter and sugar - the butter needs to be chilled, chopped into chunks, and it has to happen for at least 4 min. I've definitely been undercreaming my butter. I also had confirmed what i had always suspected - that I much prefer cookies with all brown sugar to those that incorporate white sugar. Makes me miss my super dark brown sugar from London. My next task to figuring out how to bake up all of these little darlings as they need different oven temps and different cooking times, but I still want to eat them warm :) I think I'm going to aim to bake them sometime after a full day of hiking, rock climbing, and maybe a 12K run - this is a lot of cookies. Here are my notes so far:

1. Ultimate Stand Mixer Cookie - supposedly written by a Unix programmer, and absolutely fabulous. The egg adding and chilling technique made these take a little longer, but it was worth it. L and I couldn't resist all the cookies in the house this weekend and baked two of these up. They looked just like the photo and were incredible.

2. Carla Rollins' Chocolate Chip - a melted, but not browned butter cookie. Very soft dough, I'm concerned they might expand and get thing in the oven.

3. Alton Brown "The Chewy" - These are fairly close to the original toll house recipe, but eliminate an egg white, use more brown sugar, melt the butter, and add milk. I didn't think you'd be able to taste it, but the milky flavor added depth and a nice softness to the dough. I'm looking forward to baking these.

4. Giant Chocolate Chip Heath Bar Cookies - a drier dough, perfect for lots of mix-ins.

5. NY Times Chocolate Chip Cookie - I've always wanted to try this but never had the excuse. This dough uses more white sugar to brown sugar and hence tasted a bit like sugar cookie dough. The cake flour added a lighter texture, as did the baking powder, and I used regular flour instead of bread flour.

All the cookies have guittard chocolate chips, no nuts, and no add-ins such as orange zest (except the Heath Bar cookies which have, you know, Heath Bars).

C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me

Come on! You know the words!

A few days ago one of my favorite baking blogs, www.cookiemadness.net, posted her top 5 chocolate chip cookie recipes. As you probably know, I'm always looking to improve my chocolate cookies - a tasty, and never ending quest. So far I really like the CI Chocolate chip cookie with the browned butter and mixing technique crossed with a Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe from Citizen Cake that was given to me by a good friend. The CI is good, but uses more butter than I generally like, and the Citizen Cake recipe is awesome, but uses a little more sugar than I generally like. Not that I'm trying to necessarily make my cookies health food, but I do try to keep the sugar/butter ratios from getting unnecessarily elevated.

So when this post came along I decided, "now here's a challenge." Or maybe, "here's a way to procrastinate and eat lots of cookies." Either win, it's a win-win. I like my cookies thick, dense and on the doughy side of things -no thin and crispy for me, thank you - and all but the CI recipe are new to me.

Like wine tasting, I do my best baking tasting when I can taste side by side instead of over a period of a few weeks or months. My goal is to make all of the doughs (except #3, for which I will replace with the NY times re-worked chocolate chip cookie recipe), age them to the specified time in the fridge and then pop them in the freezer. I'm not going to do it all at once, but over a period of weeks and plan to take notes on each recipe. When they are all finished, I'm going to bake up 2 cookies from each recipe and test them. I will try to take non-crappy pics and post the results.

A read and 2 recipes

I wish the Tenured Radical could become the education czar with far reaching and unlimited powers. If you are academically oriented and haven't discovered her, she is a must read. This week's post hit particularly close to home. As one of the lucky few who actually experienced college classes with 4-15 people enrolled, I know first-hand the difference that small classes make in one's education. A transition to more, smaller classes may miss the University goal of standardizing courses, but is that such a bad thing? Smaller classes could employ more faculty and it might be possible to teach more smaller classes rather than just a few big ones. This would certainly help out those of us trembling on the pirate's plank of a job market, and would tremendously improve undergraduate education. Students might actually discover the love of exploratory learning - finding some little problem and figuring it out yourself - rather than churning out mediocre 6 page essays chosen from a myriad of prompts, non of which can be adequately answered in 6 pages and all of which reveal more the bias of the instructor (myself included) than actually get the students to think on their own. My undergrad institution was a writing intensive college. All of our classes required a 15-20 page research paper, in conjunction with 2 take home midterms, or 2 6-page papers, or weekly reading responses. I love being able to develop and explore my own historical interests - from the development of tap dancing in Ante-bellium US, to the life and controversy over Edith Stein, the self-proclaimed Jewish-nun and early 20th century German philosopher, to the worship of wells and St. Brigid in Ireland. I could go on forever but suffice to say that TR rocks and I wish she could take over the world.

An now the tasty end of the post. I finally tried 101 Cookbooks Black Bean Brownies. They are a sugar free, gluten free, low Glycemic response dessert and they are amazing. They taste like a mocha brownie cheese cake and were gone in 2 days. (I added extra chocolate b/c everything needs extra chocolate. the texture is the creamy, fudgy, cheesecake-like part). If you are baking-minded I highly recommend trying them.

The second recipe comes from Smitten Kitchen's attempt to create perfect oatmeal cookies. Remember, I like dense dougheir cookies, not the thin, butter, crispy ones. I made this recipe but added dark chocolate chips and added about 1.5 tsp of instant espresso powder. The espresso powder and cinnamon is a very tasty combination. The dough is chillin' like a vill'n in the fridge and I'll report back when they're cooked. So far I've had to come into my office in order to prevent myself from eating all of said dough, so suffice to say they're pretty damn good.

In other news, I have to get my cholesterol checked and I'm just hoping to live in blissful ignorance in which i can eat cookie dough for another couple of days....

Ski trip

We went skiing last weekend with a cheerful group of 12: 4 historians, 3 astronomers, 2 engineers, 1 physicist, 1 professor, and a 5 year-old who had never seen snow before. Of all the pics I have I wish I had a few of her first experiences with the frozen stuff. Good food was eaten, wine was drunk, and rousing table-side talk was had.

My skiing has improved immensely from when I first started 5 years ago. I ski comfortably down most terrain and don't get scared on the stuff that's a bit over my head. I even started learning how to ski off trail (ok, like 5 feet off trail but I made it around a tree!). Even more exciting, my two ski buddies Noncoupable and Astroman, have also made huge improvements. It's really fun to see not just yourself, but others be able to conquer new territory.I've also come to the realization that it would matter if I broke a leg, arm, foot, wrist, but it would matter if I hit my head and scrambled my brains. In this academic business it seems that my brain is my most important asset. In my personal life I wouldn't want to leave Luke tethered to a vegetable. So, "inspired" by seeing someone really good take a serious fall, I'm going to get a helmet.

Here are a few pics of the group. With all the hottness it's amazing there was even snow left on the mountain!

Tidbits

Just random stuff:

1. State of the Union: I love listening to Obama but I still think I want to set the House and Senate on fire (I'm into burning things I don't like apparently). I found it fascinating that the Republicans are so adamant about being against Obama that they sat on their hands as he announced no new taxes, tax cuts, spending freezes, and stimulus money for small businesses. Aren't they supposed to be the small-business-don't-spend-a-dime fiscal conservatives?

2. iPad. iPon? I love gadgets and I can't get into this thing. It's basically a big ipod touch - but too heavy to cart around in your pocket/purse for tunes on the go and too small and w/o the capability to edit and type documents. Why do you need a big ipod touch?

3. Had dinner with close friends last night during which I remember him saying "you should blog about this!" But a bottle of wine later I can't for the life of me remember what "this" was. Good bye dear brain cells, I'll miss you.

4. J. D. Salinger died today. My first thought was, he was still alive? I have to admit I never liked Catcher in the Rye, I think I read it when I was too young.

5. I got to wear my green sweater today! Modeled from the office I'm using for the quarter. The button is still wonky and will be replaced, but otherwise I call it a success:

Sun!

I'm not sure if I feel better b/c the sun is up, or I started to feel better and the sun just happened to be up today. Either way, I'd be happy to have it stick around for a while. It can stay cold, I don't mind cold, or even cloudy - but a break from the rain is nice. Man, are my SoCal roots showing or what? If this blog ever becomes a primary source for someone's research they're going to think I'm completely bi-ploar with seasonal depression syndrome, or whatever its called.

The library agreed to knock $60 off my bill - yay! only $180 now! Should have just bought the books in the first place - but I'm still working on how to get the damn thing paid and my account unfrozen. For the rest of the week I'm not going to worry about it. Just going to do the TA thing, use what i have for my diss day tomorrow, and then get myself back up to Tahoe for more skiing this weekend. While there I'm finally going to try these Black Bean Brownies. Tonight some serious decompression is happening over eats and cheap wine.

Good quote from lecture today: "Henry of Navarre changed his religion about as many times as most people in those days changed their underware." (twice)

Finally, a knitting update: Mittens are going slowly but nicely, I c/o Vivian in a bright blue Cascade 220, and I"m working on a neckwarmer for L (Berroco comfort in Navy and the rest of the Misti Alpaca I used to make his scarf). I am now happily a two trick knitting pony: I can knit English and Continental. I'm slower and looser in Continental, but picking up speed. More importantly, my writs love me for the change. Pics soon, wearing Tempting today.

Under a Storm Cloud

It's still dumping here in SC but really the point is that I'm in a bad mood. It started yesterday and I just can't seem to shake it. Part of it is that I hate the rain - I hate not being able to walk around w/o getting wet and I hate not being able to go outside for sunshine, fresh air, and a long run. But it's more than that: sometimes (and seemingly more often than not) I hate being a humanities grad student at this university because of the joke of a library we're stuck with. To begin with I'm being charged $240 for books I returned but the library claims I didn't. Now, 2 of those I returned after my QE back in May of 2008, the third I brought in person to the return window and is listed as "not checked out" on the library website. But they haven't processed the return and can only remove the charges after I submit an appeals form - which I did, weeks ago. But somehow, my forms got lost. Just like my requests in email, hardcopy, and in person, for the library to search their stores to find the books I swear to fucking god they lost - got lost. And now, even though I've appealed all of them ON TIME, because the library didn't process my appeals ON TIME (if they don't get the wheels in motion on time, even though I submitted appeals back in December, somehow I'm responsible), I getting sent to collections. They've told me that when the find the book, process the appeal, and then get back to me, they should be able to reimburse me the money. Should.

Now, this wouldn't be so much of a problem if we had a decent, normally stocked library. I'd be able to go to said decent, normally stocked library and use the books there. But because Borders actually rivals our library's "collections" the majority of the books I need are either at "real" UCs like UCLA or UCB, or in our Norther CA Regional Storage Facility. Because, you know, libraries aren't storage facilities for books, so we need to have this off-site facility. And, because everything is not here, I need to request it. Which I can't do. Because my goddamn account is frozen because the library is taking their sweet ass time process my appeals. I'd really LIKE to be able to write and work on my dissertation but I feel like UCSC makes it as hard as possible to actually do so. I wish I had just bought the damn books in the first place.

On top of that, Recreation/OPERS have charged me for an extra dance class and I'm having to appeal with them too.

There isn't one particular thing that has me pissed off, the whole situation has me pissed off, but what really gets my goat is that I came back here from London feeling very positive and upbeat and I feel like I'm getting seriously bogged down. It's all bad news from the department, from billing, from the library, all the time. I'm tired of it, really, really tired of it. And it's hard to keep yourself going when I feel like I'm dealing with all this bullshit for job training in a profession I likely won't even be able to work in b/c there are no jobs. It's weeks like these (and yeah, it is only 9:52 on Tuesday) that make me wish I had applied for the admin position in my dept that just opened. I'd have a pay check, set achievable goals, and maybe even some spare time to dick off on the interwebs.

So if you see me and I'm grumpy, I apologize in advance. Here's hoping that at least the rain will move on soon and improve that part of my mood.

Section

You know that feeling when you rock section? When you're really prepared, and the students are really engaged, and they've all (some) read, and you're totally on top of it? And you feel great?

You also know those days when you think you're prepared and you have all your notes but you get into class and they may have been written in Swahili for as far as it matters b/c they make no sense, you've lost you internal logic, but you're still talking about something that doesn't even make sense as you hear yourself say it but you still - can't - stop- talking? So you talk faster and faster and the next thing you know you're talking about Calvinists and giving the middle finger to the Catholic Church and you're only 20 minutes in and oh god, why are they all looking at me and why can't I shut up?

...it all worked so well in my head... it all worked so well on Wednesday...

Two of my biggest frustrations are trying to figure out how to teach what is so ingrained in me that I do it instinctively: reading primary source and reading secondary sources. I think this is all the more difficult with the reading-dump that students get assigned here, and in part more difficult b/c I'm looking at this stuff for the first time - but for some reason I can't seem to go through with a class of 25 what I am able to do on my own, or teach someone to do one on one. I have a hard time remembering a time when I didn't know how to read, when I didn't know how to ask questions, hell, when I didn't even know which questions to ask. One on one, np - the dialogue is what works. one on 25 (sounds dirty, no?), a mess. a horrible mess.

At some point I need to really put together a "How to read a primary source" and "how to read a secondary source" and just focus on doing one, and then focus on doing the other. What I'm doing now is trying to discuss major issues raised in the readings (which in these classes are the who/what/when/where/why/huh? stuff) and through that bring in how to do the history stuff. I'm basically combining discussing the content with the basics of how to the reading/writing/analyzing stuff - and it's not working. I guess this is the same struggle my dept faces: do we teach students the methodology or assume they know the methodology and focus on the content? When I focus on the content (which is also what the prof does), I find that the methodology is sorely lacking. When I try to focus on the methodology, I find the context is so lacking that the methodology doesn't make much sense.

Ok, enough, I'm boring myself with this post and giving you a sad glimpse into what my section-addled brain was like.