5th Grant App off

I sent in my 5th grant application today. 5 down, one to go. All I have to finish for the PBK is wait for my transcripts to come in and pick my writing sample. Although I'm glad to be nearing the end of this phase of grant-aps, I'm not as cheerful about it as I wish I was.

Now begins the 2-3 month waiting period before I find out if I actually won any of these grants. The writing was a real pain, but the waiting is going to drive me nuts. You see, before I was anxious, now I'm getting scared. I've hit the 1/2 way through the marathon point and am tired and scared of the remaining miles. And scared is bad because it gets you stuck. Anxiety you can channel into work, scared just makes me want to come home, eat cookie dough, drink beer and watch Harry Potter.

What am I scared of? Not getting funded, not being able to get to the UK for research this year, having to go through all of this again next fall, not getting funded again, having to rethink this whole PhD thing all together. I'm scared I'm not doing enough (not reading enough, not reading the AHR and Perspectives, and not on H-net, and not going to talks, not presenting enough of my own research, definitely not published enough, and not doing enough other things because I'm trying to get my grants out my TA work finished and a million other little things done) And then even if I do finish, that I'm not going to be able to get a job. I'm scared I'm not going to be able to have a career in a field I really like doing something I'm really good at.

I realize this is a downer of a post, but I figured it was time to be honest with myself - I'm terrified at what's coming or not coming next.

There is one good thing in all of this, my dance technique is getting better and I'm noticing that other students in the class are looking to me as an example of good technique. I can nail doubles and often triple pirouettes on my right (the left is another messy story), and my flexibility is improving. If I could recommend Lisa Norris for cannonization, the Saint of Healing Wounded Dancers, I would. Her ability to work with students (and me!) is my biggest inspiration. Thank god for dance.